I woke up this morning feeling a little dizzy; my eyelids were as heavy as dumbbells as I struggled to keep them apart. I had spent the major part of the night chatting on WhatsApp, putting up my best pictures on Instagram, sending DMs, posting tweets, checking out who followed me as well as the unfortunate souls that unfollowed. What the hell were they thinking? How am I supposed to reach my goal of 3,000 followers by the end of the month? Idiots! Enemies of progress! Well, I’m getting there, with or without them.
I glanced at the antique wall clock that my mum had given me the previous year, it was 3a.m! Wait! What? Freaking 3a.m? How long was I asleep? It’s supposed to be 6am by now. Damn it! I tried to lure myself back to the world of the subconscious, but I knew any effort contributing to that scenario was futile. It’s no use! I picked up my phone; it made a faint beep, battery low! Heck! Blackberry and their unrepentant stance to improve battery life; I need to have a word with John Chen or what’s his name again? That their bloody Chinese-American, British Hong Kong CEO. I’m sure his brain has wrinkles synonymous with the ones on his face. What have they been spending their R&D allocation on? Fries and Pasta? They have done nothing but relentlessly lose market share over the past 3 years. Anyways, that’s a discussion for another time and another day.
My eyes started a frantic search across the room, trying to discover the closest socket to plug in my phone charger without having to get out of bed. I scrambled through the sheets and rolled over to the left side, where the reading lamp was. I moved it a bit, stretched my hand behind the dwarf drawer, trying to see if I could get to the socket. Dead end! The distance was too far. I cannot come and kill myself nah! I had to get up from this bed? No way! That ain’t happening! Who are the buffoons that built this house anyway? Why didn’t they put sockets everywhere? Its 2016, things are supposed to be easier. Whoever saddled me with this herculean task should be tied to a pole under the scorching Maiduguri sun, flogged by hefty Boko Haram disciples from Borno and fed to the lions at the zoo at Ibadan. All right, maybe that’s a little too humane. But hey, I need to charge my phone like my life depends on it.
I crawled out of bed slowly, stretching my right foot till it touched the marble floor, whooosh! It was so cold. I drew my leg back as fast as I could and wrapped the sheets around them. It’s the freaking 22nd century for Pete’s sake! Isn’t there a technology out there to keep our floors warm? Somebody needs to start thinking about that. I finally succumbed to fate, relaxed on the bed and decided to reminisce on the events that happened earlier in the day. But the fear of being exiled from the mobile universe, my ever-so dynamic alternate reality where my alter ego blossoms; seemed to surpass the fleeting comfort of maintaining the status quo. After a while, I was able to summon the kind of courage a gladiator needs just before he steps into the arena. I quelled my fears, got up and sauntered to the socket across the room. I plugged in my phone; it beamed and came back to life. Mission accomplished! What a relief!
Back to my mobile universe, I launched the twitter app, scrolled through my timeline, but no one seemed to be saying anything reasonable, the eggheads were probably still asleep. I had a new picture I took with Tope Williams, my latest crush, the light-complexioned, drop-dead gorgeous, drool-causing new intern at the office. I posted it on Instagram the previous day, I quickly checked it. Whaaaaat? 15 likes ONLY! Are you guys blind? Are you all suffering from beauty-myopia? Look at the sweet picture with just the right filter that made it perfect. This is plain wickedness and jealousy simply because Tope is finer than your chic, your side-chic and your road-side chic all rolled into one. This isn’t fair! I closed the app in fury. Arrant nonsense! Miserable beings! Y’all going to hell for this!
I’m not really a fan, but this was kinda my last resort; having had unpleasant experiences with the other two social media apps. I decided to take the road less travelled. Sorry, did I say “less” travelled? I’m just being insane. Did I mention that I probably had a few nuts loose when I was younger? Never found ‘em, never been the same ever since. Ok, back to the road “much” travelled. I’m yet to get addicted to the amphetamine that drives about a billion people to this sordid, bullish and bluish social media platform called Facebook. With all due respect, for me, it’s just a birthday reminder! But hey, what did I have to lose? I scrolled through my phone and launched the app. Well, same old, same old. A bunch of random thoughts here and there, a few nice pictures, some hilarious stuff and a bouquet of senseless stories.
That kinda sums it up. I started scrolling faster, but I slowed down as Tope’s update flashed across, I went back a bit… Tope Williams posted a LIFE EVENT! What I saw next almost drove me sane, my phone slipped from my hands and it took all the skills and reflexes I had as a decorated Olympic athlete to ensure it didn’t hit the hard, cold surface beneath. This was a humongous disaster! How does one start the cleanup of Southern Florida after Hurricane Katrina? How does one even start to rebuild Hiroshima after the atomic bomb explosion? I managed to slide the phone open, tapped the screen and squinted as the sudden luminousity scared my heavy eyes. My hands were still shaking; my heartbeat galloped in successive thumps louder than my morning alarm, my head was spinning as I read… JULY 21, 2016… TOPE WILLIAMS GOT ENGAGED TO…
To be continued…